Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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