And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
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I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
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I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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