worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You are the jesus of drinking
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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