So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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