Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
