Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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