I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
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