I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
