Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
