I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
