Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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