Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
