the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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