Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
