Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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