Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
