Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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