My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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