I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
