oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
FUCK WHALES
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
