The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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