cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
