When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
