The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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