nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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