My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
