but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
