I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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