I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
