That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
