There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
then he tried to convert me to islam
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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