can we get nightvision for the apartment?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
