cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
