Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Randomize
