I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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