I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
