Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
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the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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