Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
