When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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