just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize