remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
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WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
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I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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