so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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