Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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