He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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