What tipped you off? The sombrero?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
