God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
