Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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