guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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