Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
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