When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
