I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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