Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
