i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
