He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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