he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
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Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
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You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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