Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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