Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
