i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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