Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
