let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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